A Glimpse

Poetry

srlewis — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:15:21 +0000

Yes it’s a poem about poetry.

I have an outlet now,
Though not one of pride.
It is a constant pain,
A thorn in my side.

To admit is to be,
Nothing more than me,
But at the same,
So much less.

A pill to choke on

srlewis — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:07:06 +0000

Like a pack mentality,
I’m at the loss.
Standing, heckling, while I’m,
Hung on your cross.

My demons in the corner,
Sharpen their claws.
Stare into dark,
Or the gaping maw.

To take a name but mine,
Is no escape.
It’s a pill I can’t swallow,
A trip I can’t take.

Guilt is a right Admission is theft II – Guilt

srlewis — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:05:14 +0000

Hi, more poetry for my zero readers, and even fewer people who care.
Yes I am aware of my mathematical error, don’t bite my head off.
This is a continuance of my previous post, there will be a third part for you to not care about as well.
I’m really not sure why I continue to write, let alone publish the shit.

Guilt

It is my right,
to feel tortured.
To wonder what,
I could have done.

Smuggled words are,
My release and,
My admission, my
Theft.

Guilt is a right Admission is theft

srlewis — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:55:30 +0000

A bit of poetry for you.

I may at some point publish ‘notes’ explaining what I am moaning about with my poems, it will kill a bit of time, no?

I stare at this page, to

Make words appear. My

Effort disjointed, it’s

Not my affair. I

Don’t grow these flowers, I

Take them from you. My

Inspiration confirms what

I already knew. Why

I want to admit. I

(Don’t)

Just why?

srlewis — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:49:46 +0000

I wish people, especially women wouldn’t open up to me. I become obsessed with fixing them.

*gasp* They have a problem! Maybe if I fix it they will like me more!

I am that needy.

She opened up to me. Now I can think of nothing but how I can fix her, solve her problems. Maybe get her to realise what a great guy I am…. Problem is I’m not a great guy.

Inadequate

srlewis — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:44:44 +0000

I’m so fucking inadequate.
I’m like the runt of the litter, just in my case the litter is every one of my peers.

I fall short on every task I am enlisted to complete.

Her boyfriend is a joke.
He is still better than me.

I am out of place every where I go.
I am outclassed in everything I do.

Burden.

srlewis — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:10:29 +0000

I am a burden. It’s as simple as that. Those who care carry me on their shoulders. It’s not how it should be, but it’s the way it is.

I don’t want it to be this way.

I just don’t have the stones to do it on my own.

The kindest thing I could do for my self is not be here, I’ve tried, she pulled me back.

Biggest mistake of her life?

I understand

srlewis — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:20:58 +0000

I Understand

You are perfect,
Without me.
Your eyes reflect,
What is me.

My failures
Indicitive.
My life,
Insidious.

You are perfect,
Without me.
What is mine is,

Corosive.

Invasive.
Every pore,
No longer yours.
But a shrine,

To my being,
So broken.
To break you,
To leave you.

To love you.

I understand.

Blogging

srlewis — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:31:02 +0000

Blogging is a phenomena I have never really taken an interest in, until (obviously) now. I am a mediocre writer who suffers frequent bouts of ‘writers block’, and apparently these kind of things can help. This is the primary reason for my foray into the world of blogging, but it is also a way to pass time.

Telling you about me seems as good a place to start as any.

23 things about me.

I am currently studying Music Technology at college, with intent to go to university to study Music in Film.
I am 20 but am as cynical as your average 76 year old.
I read books much to fast.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am scared about the world going to shit (more so than it already is) within my life time.
I am completely against capital punishment.
I wish I was as confident as my front suggests.
I have been single for far to long.
My first girlfriend left me for another girl.
Every character I write into being has a part of me I like and a part of me I cannot stand.
I don’t want to hate, but often do.
I can read people far better than any one gives me credit for.
I also take in far more than you realise.
I am a victim of my own empathy.
I remember the most useless things from my childhood.
I wear my hood because I like people to give me a wide birth.
Intimacy scares the living day lights out of me.
My hair is the only physical feature I like about my self.
I am an ass to those I care about.
I want to not need people, only needing your self make happiness easier to attain. perhaps this is why I am an ass to those I care about.
I believe in a God, but cannot stand the church.
The amount of bigotry I see every day scares me.
The only time I have ever used my own name for a character, that character was shot

I was wrong

srlewis — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:28:54 +0000

I said on my first post that I am an ass to people because I need them and I don’t want to need. I was wrong. I am an ass to those who remind me of myself.

That is the realisation of exactly how far my self loathing extends.

There are two people in my class -names will of course not be used- who are for want of a better term winners. They are good at everything they do. They are in succesful relationships. These should be the ones I hate no? Well I don’t. One of them is actually one of the best friends I have had in a long time.

There is a third person. He is me in a different shell. He sabotaged his best chance for a relationship. He has nil social life. He is hated. He is the one I should be close to, I should feel empathy for. I don’t. He is the one person I have ever said more than seven words to who I don’t feel empathy for. I cannot stand him. I come very close to hating him.

That is how much I hate myself, it can’t be. Some one who hates himself that much would tried to kill them self by now. Oh wait.

What kind of fuck up am I?

I need help. I don’t want to go down that road again.